Boundary Setting 101
(10 tips for being more intentional with your time and energy)
Many of us are simply not great at setting boundaries, and for a myriad of reasons. Perhaps we grew up in a family, religious or social culture with set rules and expectations on our time and energy. Or, we’re currently in a work culture that prides itself on long hours, no lunch breaks and little sleep. Maybe we spent years in relationships where a partner’s expectations around time spent socializing with friends or ‘together time’ were different from our personal needs. Or maybe you were like me, where you attempted to be all things to all people: the perfect daughter (or son), the best employee, and a romantic partner who could address their spouse’s (or significant other’s) needs without being asked.
All that translates to is saying ‘yes’ to everyone else’s needs except your own, letting other people set expectations for you, and being so unclear on your personal boundaries that you start to feel like you’re walking around like a wobbly glob of JELL-O, conforming to everyone around you.
For the recovering people-pleasers, the perfectionists, and the well-meaning helpers, here is a starter guide for understanding and setting boundaries for yourself in all areas of your life.
1. Take inventory: reflect on what it is you need to be at your best. For example, if you get overwhelmed with too much social interaction (and picking up on the energy of others), maybe you need some non-negotiable time alone or in nature. Consider what mental, physical, and emotional balance mean for you.
2. Collect your data. Throughout the day, track how your time is spent, your energy levels, and how you are feeling. What do you notice? If you made a list of what you do in a day, are there items on that list that have to go?
3. Create a set of rules around your energy and your time. This may take a bit of work, but think about how your average weekday and weekend are spent. Mentally walk through the day and see where you might set some guidelines for yourself. Make a list. For example, if you have a colleague who always phones you after work hours with a last-minute project they need assistance with, you might establish a rule that alerts them you don’t answer work calls after a certain time of day.
4. Set expectations. If you always say ‘yes’ to people’s requests, they will think nothing of asking. People will assume, “Oh, they won’t mind.” Back to the previous example, you might tell that last-minute co-worker, “I’m happy to help you, but you need to give me at least three days’ notice so I can work your project into my schedule. If you call at night, I will be spending time with family and unavailable to help you.”
5. Learn to say ‘no’…with love. You can decline a request without it making you a bad person. This may require becoming okay with the uncomfortableness of not meeting another person’s request. Remind yourself that sometimes saying ‘no’ is an act of self-care and love, and that if you’re burnt out, you won’t be able to serve anyone.
6. Have an accountability partner remind you of your boundaries. For example, if you always respond to text messages, emails and phone calls (from all sources) while on vacation, and you’ve established that you plan to ‘unplug,’ have a friend or partner remind you of your intention to disconnect for a few days.
7. What’s the hang-up? Be mindful of your mindset. You might find that you let certain people in certain situations push the envelope…why? Reflect on your mindset. For example, do you have a deep fear that if you don’t work excessive overtime, that your boss will fire you? Do you have so many competing work and family priorities, but are unable to ask for help out of fear of appearing vulnerable or imperfect? How is your mindset affecting your choices?
8. Know your set of exceptions (but keep them to yourself). I confess there are times where I choose to put in a few hours over a weekend if there’s an exciting project I’m supporting a client with and want to put in a little extra time. But the key here is that it’s my choice. They don’t need to know that I’ve made an exception to the rule, and they shouldn’t. To everyone else, your boundaries are solid and uncrossable.
9. Be aware of the psychic vampires. A separate article will be written on caregiving and creating room for self-care and asking for support for those who have taken on the selfless role of caring for someone else. When I say ‘psychic vampire’ I’m referring to the people who can do for themselves, but have chosen not to out of learned helplessness or because they know they can rely on someone else to do it for them. Or, those highly dramatic people who life just never seems to work out for them and you give up your time and energy to be there every…single…time. These might also be people who you’ve tried to set boundaries with, but they always seem to cross them. Understand that in your boundary-setting process, you may need to limit the time you give to said people. You might also find that if you are not there to ‘feed’ the vampire, they might get angry and not stick around very long. When you create a safe and supportive space for yourself, you could very well disappoint people and lose a ‘friend’ or two along the way.
10. Respect other people’s boundaries. Remember that everyone has their own set of rules for themselves that they’ve set in place to keep them mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy and grounded. They will differ from yours. You don’t have to agree or disagree with them, but definitely try to respect them.
To learn more about my work as a nationally board-certified mindfulness coach, book coach, multimedia content creator and author, please visit: www.DaniellePalli.com.
