How Being Bullied as Kids Affects Us as Adults
I remember one day walking into a high school as a visiting teacher to lead two yoga workshops for the students. As I set up my mat and young students arrived, I felt this sense of dread…a pit in my stomach. What the heck was that about?
It was then that it occurred to me…I had been bullied throughout elementary school and junior high. By high school, I learned to hide and keep to my small, safe, group of friends…I learned to become invisible.
I had no plans to go to college right away, as school had never been a good experience for me. But thankfully, my brother suggested I take a literature class with him at the local community college. It was a positive experience. And from then on, I was hooked on education and became a lifelong learner.
The point is, that years after-the-fact, those insecurities crept back in. Now, several decades later, I work with many coaching clients who were bullied in school, at work, or at home.
In this video, I discuss five traits I encounter most often from those who were bullied, with tips for resolving them…
Here they are, distilled for quick reference…
Those who have been bullied often reach adulthood with…
1. Poor self-worth/self-image. Those who have been bullied often grow up thinking they are not smart enough, too fat, too ugly…too [fill in the blank] or not [fill in the blank] enough.
2. People-pleasing/perfectionist tendencies. If we make others happy, if we do things perfectly, we may think others will like us, and that we’ll finally be good enough. Or, at the very least, no one will complain or bother us. The problem is, defining ‘perfect’ is quite a challenge, as is trying to please everyone, all the time.
3. Anxiety/depression. We may have social anxiety and trip over our words or ruminate over what we said, or didn’t say, hours after conversations have ended. We might mentally berate ourselves for what we should or should not have done, and we’re anxious we might do it again. For some, this constant negative self-talk can lead to feelings of depression.
4. Self-isolation. Some of us are more introverted than others. But many of us become more isolated by choice. If we were bullied, we may see the world as an unsafe place, so we avoid much-needed social connection.
5. Poor conflict-resolution skills. We may avoid conflict altogether or preemptively attack first. If we grew up in an angry household, these reactions may have been reinforced. In adulthood, this can carry over into relationships. If we don’t avoid or become aggressive in verbal altercations, we might fear disagreements, and need to resolve them right away — even if our partner is not yet ready to have a conversation.
The way to work through these challenges involves building self-worth by recognizing our strengths and values, counting our ‘wins’ in life and drawing on trusted social support when needed. It’s about learning to set healthy boundaries around time and energy and recognizing that sometimes things are ‘good enough.’ We can learn healthy communication skills to overcome social anxiety and we can quiet the negative self-talk through exercises in self-compassion.
If this resonates with you, I encourage you to watch THIS VIDEO for more tools. And, if you’d like to learn more about me and my work, visit: DaniellePalli.com
