Positive Psychology (Seeking Positive Moments vs. Toxic Positivity)

This article has been adapted from the Heartfire Rising (Mini) Podcast. CLICK HERE to listen to the episode.

On more than one occasion, I’ve been described as a walking Disney character. Yes. I know you have visions of me singing and dancing in the grotto while birds braid my hair and put ribbons in it. But the reason I mention this is yes, I tend to be an optimistic person by nature (and I am one of those annoying people who goes around singing all the time too). However, when it comes to talking about positive psychology, people assume that it’s just about being optimistic and happy all the time. So I want to talk about the difference between being an advocate of positive psychology and seeking out the positive versus toxic positivity.

What is Toxic Positivity?

Quite simply, toxic positivity is fake happiness and masks authentic feelings and experiences. It has the tendency to minimize the experiences of yourself or someone you know who might be going through real emotional pain.

Some examples of statements you might hear that either someone has said to you, or perhaps that you’ve said to someone else in the past (or possibly, yourself) that are potentially unhelpful might be:

“There’s always someone worse off than you.” (No kidding.)

“It wasn’t that bad. I’m just being dramatic.” (Yes, it probably was. It may have been very traumatic for you.)

“Everything happens for a reason.” (Sometimes, the reason is poor decision-making, and not always your own.)

“This, too, shall pass.” (Yeah, but it really sucks right now.)

“It could be worse.” (Again, no kidding.)

“Put on a happy face.” (How does smiling through the pain help? I can see how it would make everyone around me less uncomfortable, but…)

“Fake it till you make it.” (Seeking the silver lining and pretend happiness are very different things.)

I know they’re well-intentioned, but again, it’s about not minimizing or invalidating the way someone’s feeling in the moment. So now, let’s take a look at what positive psychology is.

What is Positive Psychology?

Positive psychology is the scientific study that examines what makes life worthwhile or what leads to greater happiness, and it’s about people living to their fullest potential. Its intention is to focus on building our strengths, honoring our values, and broadening positive experiences.

Some of its findings include: focusing on experiences versus material goods; practicing gratitude; volunteering and giving to others; physical activity and how it impacts wellbeing; mindfulness and compassion; purposeful living; and social connection.

When you seek out and acknowledge positive moments, your brain begins scan for those experiences.

Likewise, if you highlight the negative, the negative experiences will be what you start to see most often. So it’s not ignoring the bad. It’s not putting on a happy face. In fact, as a fan of positive psychology. If I have a bad day, you’ll hear me say I am having a bad day or that I’m sad and discouraged.

It’s really about acknowledging all of life, the good and the bad, and making a conscious choice to seek out more of the good.

It doesn’t minimize or invalidate the bad. Those bad days and traumatic events? They absolutely matter. It’s simply not allowing life to stop there. You can be authentically happy as a person and still be annoyed about something in the present moment. And if you’re having trouble finding happiness right now, you can still practice seeking out positive moments (which will support you, long term).

This Week’s Action Item:

For the next three days, notice moments of authentic connection with another person. It could be a smile from a stranger or a random act of kindness. For example, my husband and I were going on a hike recently, and a couple noticed we weren’t sure which way to go on the trail. And the man said, “Well if you go that way and make a left, you’re going to see a really cool bald Eagle’s nest.” They didn’t have to do that. So that, to me, is a positive moment, a shared connection. Other examples might be a shared laugh over something you have in common with a colleague, or anytime someone says something such as, “I know exactly what you mean.”

As always, thanks for taking this time with me. Until next time, take care of yourself.

*****

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