The Magical Unicorn That is the INFJ Personality

Navigating the Dark Side of the World’s Rarest Personality Type

I often write about fictional characters that don’t quite fit in with normal society, such as aliens who may not even understand why they don’t fit in, but ones that must learn how to adapt — such is the “alien” that it the INFJ personality. As one of the rarest personality types (making up 1.5% of the global population), when an INFJ recognizes this in themselves, there’s a moment of “Yeah, that explains it.”

We are the ones who go to bed with some weird itch in the back of the brain that bugs us without us knowing why only to awaken at 3 am with an “aha” moment so strong that we get up and write about it — immediately. Nothing was wrong in the world. We just had a bright and shiny new idea that had to manifest. The upside to the INFJ is that we have a rich and creative fantasy world and a love of humanity that makes us want to bring abstract utopian ideals into reality.

The downside is that this same fantasy world runs parallel with the “real” world like an unusual central processing unit that becomes difficult for an introvert to explain to everyone else. The other drawback is the danger of an INFJ taking on that label as an explanation of “well, that’s just the way I am,” as if it were a personality disorder vs. a personality type. Myers-Briggs personality types are based on normal, healthy, functioning individuals. It’s simply a tool for self-awareness and personal growth and a way to better understand ourselves, and work and interact more effectively with others.

Therefore, magical unicorn that is the INFJ, seek to understand and be understood. Recognize that you decide who you are and who you want to be.

A Primer for the Newly Discovered INFJ

1. Lose the Labels: We may identify our best fit type as Introverted (I), Intuitive (N), Feeling (F), and Judging (J), but that doesn’t mean we can’t intentionally become more expressive, assertive, and extroverted. It does not suggest that we are incapable of being logical, and practical, and keeping emotions in check to see the rational perspective first. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we are incapable of throwing out our well-timed and well-planned To-Do list to spend time with our often more spontaneous friends. Above all, it is up to each person to define who they choose to be.

2. Regulate Empathy: If you had a superpower, it would be that your intuitive feeling (NF) nature makes you highly attuned to the emotions of others, sometimes to the point of becoming consumed by the energy of those around you and making poor decisions out of caring too deeply about how everyone else around you is feeling — to your own detriment. Honor your intuitive nature by taking alone time to recharge, and practice metta and mindfulness meditation to learn how to receive that energy with compassion, without absorbing it as your own.

3. Conduct Regular Reality Checks: Spending so much time in one’s own headspace can produce creative and meaningful work, but make sure you don’t fall into the trap of believing that every thought is the absolute truth and reading into other people’s motives based on your insecurities (as your confidence and self-doubt may fluctuate from time-to-time). Meditation can be valuable here too. Questioning your thoughts (“Is this true? What else might be true?) can help. And reach out to friends to get an outside perspective.

4. Communicate Often, Until You are Understood: Your thought process makes you wired a little differently and sometimes harder to understand. Try not to get frustrated with yourself or others. You bring a unique creative vision to the world. To those willing to listen, keep the lines of communication open and learn new delivery methods. To those unwilling to listen? Well, they’re not your tribe, and that’s okay. (No, INFJ! Not everyone wants to be your friend. And, that’s okay.)

A Primer for the Friend of an INFJ

(Based on the assumption that you are something other than an INFJ … I’m looking right at you, ESTP!)

1. Respect the Introvert: For the extroverted friend, don’t be offended if the INFJ in your circle only accepts one out of every five (maybe ten) of your social invitations. It really isn’t you. It’s us. We need a lot of alone time.

2. Be Willing to Suspend Beliefs: If you happen to be a sensing (S) person to the intuitive (N) INFJ, their abstract world of wonder can be hard to take. However, for your both to grow as individuals, and strengthen the friendship, be willing to listen for understanding. Your INFJ friend will appreciate it (Bonus tip: Get them out of their headspace by suggesting actionable activities in the “real world” related to their areas of interest that you can experience together.)

3. Reinforce the “Close Enough” Mindset: The INFJ at their worst can overthink, over-plan, and be driven by unrealistic goals and unobtainable perfection. Remind them that their “close enough” is probably well beyond the norm and far better than what others may see as perfect. (Bonus tip: Celebrate the failures alongside them. Failing forward brings us closer to success.)

4. Be Genuine: Yes, we’re pretty sensitive, so criticism is best delivered with kindness. But don’t lie or tell us what you think we want to hear. Empaths, remember? There’s little we dislike more than disingenuous friendships.

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